Tara Knows Nothing

Up until last week, the fam hadn’t been under the same roof in 17 months. Tara got a little overzealous for the reunion. Tara behaved badly. Because Tara knows nothing. 

While in Charlotte for sister’s college graduation, met a cool guy whose catchphrase was ‘just do it for the story.’ On the surface it sounds like a cheap way of getting a gal naked into bed. But Cool Guy was not Jersey Shore Sleaze. Cool Guy was also a genuine guy. Cool Guy was merely talking about trying new things and encouraging fellow graduates to travel more. I respected that. However, when starting my weekend with this ‘story’ idea in mind, I wound up participating in some rather unbecoming activities. You know, for the ‘story.’ 

So here are some things that may have occurred, that maybe didn’t need to happen…

Streaking* with 22 year old sister’s friends on a mansion-lined road, past midnight, on a Sunday. 

Spending $45 dollars at bar which served $2 beers and 1/2 off drinks. 

Claiming you’re not hungry as you plow through a bag of barbecue chips. 

Staying up until 5am and then waking up at 9am and walking 20minutes in the heat in 6inch heels because you’re too hungover to get ready in time to catch a ride with the rents to the graduation ceremony.

Locking lips with 22 year old sister’s friends at country western bars called Dixie’s to later find out they’re not just ANY friends, they’re freshman friends.**

Eating macaroni and cheese in bed. Not with fork or spoon, but using cheese-its to scoop…

Singing along in church by only repeating the lyric ‘watermelon’ over and over again to the beat of the hymn. 

And last but not least, 

Getting caught streaking with 22 year old sister’s friends by an appalled middle aged woman standing on her front steps directly across the street…

…Regardless of my influences and inspirations for above actions, my family is the most important thing to me. And last weekend, I was the happiest.

—

*I was disappointed to find out later by co-workers that if underwear was on, this isn’t exactly considered streaking. I disagree. People can do the deed with clothes on and that’s still considered sex making. They don’t HAVE to be fully nude. Same goes with streaking. 

**I can’t take credit for this happening to me… But wouldn’t it be hilarious if actually did occur, brother bear? *wink*

Class: Showing Stylish Excellence. 

Lately* I’ve been making some honest attempts at becoming a more classy, independent woman. Lady blazers are a good start, but I’m not talking about appearance. 

Treating  Wednesday night like a Friday night is ever so common here in New York City, so, you have even more chances to show off your true classiness every night of the week, if you choose to do so.

My job may not come with benefits, but it comes with perk(s). Having trouble thinking of more than one perk - other than an open bar shindig last night - but I’m sure something else perk-ish has happened at some point. 

Anyways, free drinks + no dinner can have a variety of outcomes. I’ll list a few here. I’m not saying any of these things actually happened, I’m just saying some of these things may have actually happened.  

Potential Work Party Outcomes:

- Socialize for 15 minutes then swiftly sneak out to attend a comedy show at UCB you were gonna try to make it to.

- Socialize for about 2 hours then take the subway home, finally finish the 3rd Hunger Games book, then tuck yourself into bed before midnight. 

- Socialize for 4 hours then call your co-workers by their wrong name, repeatedly, realize it’s time for you to go based on your speech impediment, share a taxi home with your best neighbor/work friend to ensure you both make it home safely, then brush your teeth with your roommate’s toothbrush by accident.

- Socialize for 6 hours then fall asleep during your cab ride home, wake up to your driver asking if you had a ‘nice nap,’ crawl through your front door, eat 2-3 cupcakes, fall asleep with your lights on, then wake up butt naked with only your orange socks on. 

I’m stuck in a weird place in life right now, so when I’m faced with difficult decisions like, driving down classy lane or taking the white trash highway, I think to myself, what would the old Ke$ha do? Because we all know the new Ke$ha wouldn’t be caught dead in orange socks. 

*4 seconds ago, after realizing I’m not classy. 

Writing can be demanding because it involves total, complete solitude. I find it especially challenging being an Extroverted Individual. Scratch that— Extroverted Procrastinator. 

Even now, for instance. Yes, I am writing, but I am not writing the task I’m supposed to be writing. I am successfully procrastinating as we speak. 

And so, I’ve discovered some wonderful tips to put off writing time when all you want to do is play with your friends.  

Step 1. Do every possible menial task around your apartment that you’ve been averting for days, such as:

- The dishes

- Fill out the census

- Pay your bills 

- Cook yourself dinner

Step 2. Paint your nails. How are you supposed to type away if your nails are wet?

Step 3. Consume wine. Red or white, your choice. This of course could occur before, during or after Steps 1 and 2.

Step 4. Research upcoming concerts you’d like to attend, such as Fun. 

Step 5. Pout because the show is sold out. 

I’ve currently accomplished Steps 1-5, and now find myself face to face with the most difficult decision yet: to clean my room or to write. 

What’s a procrastinator to do?

Thank you to everyone who has been reading and keeping up with my posts. It warms my heart to know that people are still reading these days.

I appreciate all your love and support, but I also felt the need to let everyone know that yes, my blogs are usually based on fact, but they are most certainly exaggerated for the readers pleasure. For real, I’ll do almost anything for a laugh. So, I hope to keep the chortles going, and although I have the tendency of making myself sound like I am homeless, I am in fact not homeless. Should I ever lose my job, I strongly believe I have the skills to survive on the streets for AT LEAST 5 hours. (Give me some credit).

Thank you all again for reading and happy Sunday!

I eat when I’m hungry. I don’t eat often because I’m broke. When I do eat, I try to have a healthy, well-balanced meal.

Here are some of my recent favorite tasty treats I’ve devoured: (don’t knock it til you try it)

1. Lunch: A jelly sandwich.

As a dirt-poor disheveled diva, I must pick and choose the more important item to purchase: the peanut butter or the jelly. I chose the jelly.

And to my delight, when I arrived at work, I happened upon a jar of mixed nuts. I then opened my jelly sandwich and carefully placed some peanuts inside. Perfection.

2. Dinner: Cold garlic knots.

Left-over from my roommates dinner.

3. Breakfast/Lunch/Dinner: A bowl of oatmeal, at 2pm, in hopes it would keep me full all day.*

4. Lunch: A spicy mustard and cheese sandwich.

5. Mid-Afternoon Snack: Chips.

In my office, whenever I hear someone rip open a bag of chips, I will strike up a 30 second conversation and be their best friend for the day, in exchange for 1 chip.

6. Dinner: Leftover white rice, drizzled with Italian dressing.

I’m starting to discover that no matter the expiration date of an item, as long as you drench it in Italian dressing, it will be delicious! (pizza, bread, etc.)

7. Breakfast: Cereal.

Every single goddamn day.

8. Late Night Snack: Pickle and/or pretzel rod wrapped in cheese.

9. Dinner: Pizza from my trash can.

Learned a helpful tip from Shanny, an old college roommate: As long the food item is covered, and somewhat close to the top of the garbage, it’s totally safe to eat.

10. Dinner: A 6oz salmon fillet, served over whole-grain risotto with a side of steamed mixed winter vegetables. Complimented with a class of Dom Perignon.**

11. Mid-Morning Snack: A piece of cake from Magnolia Bakery.

When it’s someone else’s birthday in the office, it’s also my birthday.

I do wonder if I’ll ever NOT be broke. But, I went to grad school. So, the answer is probably never.

—

*It did not, so I was forced to eat my left thumb.

** HAHAHA